Whats this all about?

Well, I really had a fun weekend with him. But I really feel I'm being a burden to him. Him that I care about most.

I also hate it that my emotions are fragile and real, than ever. Into which I'm having a hard time determining where it's coming from.

My entry tonight might be sketchy and be misunderstood by my silent readers but here it goes...

It's really tough to be at home with nothing to look at or pay attention to. Maybe its my short attention span. It might also be a frustration related to a guy who can't seem to understand what I'm trying to make him feel or... he's just not interested. I am really caught in between my stupid heart and my brain. My heart already took so much blows, its afraid to speak for itself. And so my brain pacifies the pain.

I don't believe in happily ever after and I don't know if love does exist because everytime I freely give my heart it always, always doomed to be trampled on.

I love the guy, I adore his little quirks. I'm never patient with other men's behavior but he's amazing in my book.

I have thought about going with other men but it's all about Mr. Big. I have stopped feeling for 5 yrs now and have let men treat me like trash... unappreciated, emotionally and physically mistreated.

But seeing this guy for a year now and his ups and downs amazes me. I'm often caught starring too long...

I really don't talk much and I struggle to keep my thoughts and emotions in check... afraid to express it anymore for fear of rejection.

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Current mood.

Why am I feeling this way? Weird. Like the weather, ever so changing. Oh please heart and mind understand that I'm not used to these strong emotions and avoid them as much as possible. Calm down... I beg you!

I've healed but there's always logic and reasoning right?

I know my bestfriend would tell me to set my life straight first! I should do that so... emotions please don't rule me. That would be much appreciated!

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Have you ever?

Questions I am uncertain with...

Have you ever laid your eyes on someone and know you're satisfied only seeing him? And being around him?

Have you also had trust issues?

I do... I haven fallen quickly out of certain relationships, always with a back up plan. I must admit that was me...

But this guy, who I have a platonic relationship with... Has my fullest attention, even when he gets really annoying and even if he makes me want to cry because he's being a jerk.

I havent felt emotions so raw like this. Its sometimes confusing!

My past relationships were based on popularity before, on the quantity of sex we have... or even his lifestyle choices.

Its different now... I've been a way better person because of him. I've seen kindness, compassion, friendship and so much more in his eyes! No guy has ever been honest to me...

I have several men seeking my attention. But its so easy to shrug them off because of this really fantastic guy!

I sometimes wonder... does he see the changes in me for him to notice me. The other men do but I know they're also lying somehow. I dont like these other men... they would cage me like the others did before.

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Untitled ---

I miss my family so much, or some sense of it in my daily life. Whether Im being directed to the right path or not because i feel lost amidst the hustle and bustle of work; which only provides means for me to survive.

Waiting for things to turn around takes so much patience and perseverance; hoping everything would pay off.

Wishing I could further enhance what I know and figure out what I dont know, which is a lot!

I hope when I reach 30 I would achieve further success.

I keep fighting the idea of a relationship or dating for 9 months now because everything I believed in which is what I tried to be wasnt good enough... I provided financial support, emotions, sexual desire and yet I was taken for granted... and then I got cheated on.

By then I figured every efforts I do wouldnt get noticed.

Since that terrible heartache every urge, thoughts, emotions and feelings I have has been supressed.

I dont think I could be that vulnerable again.

Although I still wish I could grow with someone and all that crap... LOVE is something hard to believe in. Love has been made pretty but its synonymous to LUST.

It's you being used over and over and when theyre done with you. You'd be out of the side walk in no time.

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Weight Problem

My weight problem is a bit of a problem for me. It got to the point when the guy im hanging out couldnt stop annoying me with it. It started becoming irritating and tonight it only got worse when he mentioned it yet many times. I just kicked his balls to prove a point.

Yes i am pissed off about it.

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Weekend Recap

Its Tuesday. 12:41pm 5.10.11

Saturday was a bit of an emotional moment since Mr B was upset and being with men who used to throw stuff and get really agressive caught me off guard but he was entirely quiet and decided to pig out instead.

I knew he was getting bored so i bugged him to go out and we ended shooting BB's on some unfortunate beer cans. Also flew my R/C and he had fun doing that

I love seeing him smile, always do.

Lets see what I can do to make him happy this weekend.

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Missing my mom

Tonight would then be my loneliest, ever.

Im missing my mom dearly. Her voice soothes my inner soul. I try not to cry but every emotion I feel is for her...

Sitting on the tub crying my heart out... Today is Mother's Day and her birthday next week. I miss her a bunch.

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Falling inlove...

I might have to accept the idea....

This is all terrifying to entertain inside my dear head! But i have tried to broaden my options but that funny smile on his silly face always jolts me!

Funny!

Oh this is so weird!!!

I cant possibly doom myself to another heartache! I have been careful of my heart since I got to San Diego even Ohio wasnt bad enough because I was strong enough to forget everything there existed... when i came here it was just a blur and i met this guy who exudes the same energy as I do and loves to have fun as I do!

But Im very tired forming serious relationships... Ive lost my sensuality. When I start feeling things I tend to breathe in deep and brush it off as if it was nothing... not worth paying attention to! Useless to discuss it because nothing cant go wrong anymore....

Ive pretty much built mysef back up from scratch and like most men. Theyre only interested if you can give in to their desires in which I cant let such thing happen.

Im wounded to the bone.

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Thoughts...

Here I am again writing my heart out... I've tried my best to silence what I'm feeling for Mr. BIG. He makes me so excited, he's always fun, Annoyingly smart and he doesnt bore me like other men do... plus i know he's not attracted to me 'cause I dont look like those beach bodied women out there.. [I know men...] I could've still be looking like that if it werent for frigging Ohio!

...and I dont want a boyfriend.

But I do like spending time with him and having fun with him.

Sometimes, my life's struggles gets hard to deal with and I hate it when he's the only person I trust around here.

I miss my set of friends who are as Independent, smart, carefree and loyal! It's so hard to find people like that... People are more money oriented nowadays.. like the rest of my ex's and the rest of my coworkers... Just really sad...

How come men ask me out all the time, wanting more than a date and he doesnt? Oh well...

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Wonderful day by the beach. Oh i miss home... although its really not much of a beauty for me out there anymore. The smell of the ocean reminds me of my innocent past.

Watching men of all shapes and sizes... wonder why im not interested, its strangely weird. I usually like those muscles that ripples. Damnit, not anymore

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