I love the "firsts" and the story behind it.
Let's go back to the time that I got extremely hurt; this time reminiscing it doesnt bother me anymore.
I felt abandoned by God and gave a cold shoulder to anything remotely Catholic or spiritual.
The last time I got my heart broken I recall a desperate state of crying hysterically (to the point of suffocation) one night, while he stood stoic before me-- drunk beyond comprehension-- and called me crazy.
It is absolutely insane to stay in a relationship that the other person has forsaken.
Like a child wants so badly to keep believing in Santa Claus, as adults, we cling to what we know is impossible, because it is in that hope that we find reason to persevere.
We fool ourselves into thinking that perhaps someone who lacked fundamental integrity and respect for you while you were dating can be capable of friendship after the relationship ends.
Thus, leaving yourself vulnerable to the same agonizing disappointment again and again and again.
So this time-- belatedly, but finally, I learned...
Mourning doesn't have to lead to madness.
You can grieve a loss without losing yourself in the process.
My past coping mechanisms: drinking, crying, running (though acceptable strategies when done in moderation) never helped me actually heal-- they served only to dull the senses temporarily.
I had a revelation tonight while drinking tea.
It was an important reminder that the world is bigger than the sum of my afflictions.
Sometimes, in stepping outside of our own pain in an effort to help someone else who is struggling, we find our own redemption. Because this shows us that we are never alone. No heart is immune to breaking. Pain is both universal and impermanent.
And no matter how enormous the hurt may feel at the moment, it is the littlethings that make life so precious. Like rainbow colored sprinkles or a sympathetic smile.
...even when it came to losing something really precious. I quickly recovered because I owe it to myself to 'make it'.
I met Mr. Brown.
At first, I was a tad hesitant into spending lengthy times together. I particularly didn't want to be involved in something that would eventually result to failure but after a while he became somewhat an unshaken figure in my life.
It was a struggle for me to avoid getting attracted to anyone. Until now.
What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything.... It will decide what gets you out of bed in the mornings, what you do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you. Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything. (Pedro Arrupe)
I've avoided emotions and said 'So long my luckless romance; my back is turned on you'.
But I wasnt able to avoid that very logical guy who always had my back whenever I feel really down and crappy. Who always provided great advice and is usually very calm. And his smile just makes my heart do that pitter-patter sound.
No other guy would compare to this one.
