Rough Night

Dear sucky life,

Here I go again asking myself 'what am i fucking doing here?' 'Am i going to break apart soon? Eventually?' Four years and I havent friggin' learned my lesson.

What can I do with my brain? Its going to waste... what should i do with my youth? Ive exhausted it! I am no longer attracted to men. I despise how I feel.

I know im very strong to have survived this long.... I must have a purpose for having survived three possible deaths!

Maybe I need to get laid and see how it feels, just maybe! Ive lost my urges as if it went downhill.

If just IF i could call...one former lover. See if i could have multiple orgasms again... 'oh just remind me how to be wild and free again!' Am I just sexually frustrated but dont want to do anything about it!? Eww. An ex is an ex, which means a toy that has been given away for a poor kid to use!

Oh Im tired of dating all the boy's usual lies. I hate how I can study people and know what theyre up to!

I dont even get excited anymore if I think about this one ex who rocked my world. 'How does that feel?' Seriously... I get turned off easily when men shows off their sexual side first. Take me to their house or suggest a hotel. Fuck fuck fuck. Fucking gets old and boring...

To think of it... I cant think of a guy who thoroughly pleased me in bed. Why do I even have to try?! Ive been deprived long enough...

Well lets see, I have been raped as a child... Ive had encounters at a young age... met a guy who wanted to make me a housewife [he was a petroleum engineer and a pilot] so i said, fuck you i am not going to be a domestic help. Then another blonde dude who turned out to be a real bad dude [no luck] Last bf turned out to have fucked his sister and 16 yr olds and the entire colony of portsmouth. Jesus christ!

Oh shit, and also that soldier I saw twice for shits and giggles. THAT i overly enjoyed cause i never knew his name or saw him again after fucking out in the forest, movie house and his truck. I decided to never see him again though...

Its been a couple of months now... my self esteem low. Sigh!

I already expect to be cheated on, lied to, manipulated... I let them wish is sad...

So women have been telling me theyve been raped as a child and they blame their slutiness cause of that. Ive only been with 5 men.... two of which cheated on me so i cheated back.

Now its different. I dont feel like fucking anyone anymore... waste of my frigging effort!

I never in my life have been appreciated for my efforts. Even if its giving good head.

To those people I know reading this.... Ive been to hell and back. My mistakes are mine to correct and you cant judge me for this. Id rather laugh my ass off than to feel sorry for myself.

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Wow I dont feel good but I'm pacified.

Good morning!

Yesterday I was disappointed since this guy pissed me off badly. 'Hey, when was the last time you had sex?' And i was caught off guard. I answered him 'Not for a long time. Why such question?' Guy: 'I wonder if we could be buddies in that sector.' After that, memories from exes flooded my brain... I've had the best and the worst memories of my sexual encounters with 5 men, in my entire life. And I know deeply that the relationship went from bliss to fucked up because it was only based in sex. No common ground and I felt like shit!

These guys would brag how wonderful it is and so on but all along, emotionally I was Bored! I havent been sexually excited for so long anymore... Except my last encounter with Big, it felt really good but since then I just shrugged the thought out of my mind.

I'm definitely not comfortable in my own skin anymore.

If a guy wants me around for a short period of time to satisfy his sexual frustrations, really? Fuck you! Even if you're hot or whatnot.

People might say I should be flattered but I'm not. I know my capabilities in bed! I just need more than that.... not a good fuck. Been there, done that. Even in the best shape of my young life. May it be 9 inches or 12.

The truth is, this platonic relationship I have with Big is the most fulfilling, ever. I could play with him and talk to him or just be as quiet as I want to be and there's no questions asked!

I have been with an engineer, a halliburton douche, a handsome liar who owns a strip club and a bar, a cop and a fuckin redneck! and even two soldiers i saw for a one time deal and hid from....

So what do you want? The only thing that's keeping me from losing all the weight are men... with all the image of a petite woman with all those curves and shit.

I've been lied to, cheated, lead on, belittled, betrayed, used; just to name some... All the while having some back bone to cushion my fall.

All want is for someone to enjoy my day with... talk to... laugh a lot and play around with. Is that too much to ask? Without the sexual pressure... may it come naturally or why not wait for me to be all hot and bothered and jump a guy instead? Atleast I could deal with rejection a lot better.


I'm very much built differently... it gets frustrating but I'm okay with it because I don't want to have kids, get pregnant, get fatter. I'm simply not built to nurture a child or have a family!

It might be fun but I never want someone's 'seed' planted on me. I'm not that type...

Future boyfriend, I hope when you read this or stumble upon this... that you'd know I don't want kids, get married and be a housewife. If you like me... or more, I hope you understand I've been through a lot. I also don't want to get married so if you do, you're probably better off with someone else.

We could be loyal to each other, have fun without the ring and the fuss. You stay at your own place, i stay in mine... You still have your freedom maybe to watch football with me at the bars or some of your guy friends and not worry about me getting mad at you because i won't. Or me asking you, 'why are you not home yet?' 'Where are you?' Im not needy because I would let you have your fun just hope you let me have mine too!

I only ask for you to be honest and true. If you're with me, you'd know i'm fun! I don't cause drama... I usually stay quiet. But my laugh could be really annoying! I like cars, motorbikes, cake, ice cream and planes.

I like being out and about... i like learning too! If you're cool with all these then we would get along!

I take care of my bills and you take care of yours.. I dont want your money. Im not that type! You could buy your gadgets and all those stuff cause you dont have to provide for me.

But I pray you can appreciate my efforts...

Its like, I can still stay single provide for myself, get a better job and keep pushing myself. And you dont have to worry about me cause I can take care of myself.

Later on, you can thank my mom for raising me like this... because I think it's convenient for us both. :-)

Ps: I'm not sarcastic and lying about this.

Sincerely,
C.A.E

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When can my sacrifices be rewarded?

There are several times I've been left out on the cold and its nothing new to me. Oh I wish im still wearing greens, 110 lbs and could do the impossible! Be strong, be brave... I dont need a guy either! Everyone I know has a power trip that wouldnt even surpass my little misfit behaviour when provoked.

Why do I always follow the hard path anyways? Seems like everyone is having it easy and smooth flowing.

I need another trip... to New York perhaps. Or DC! I could move there or to texas...

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Morning thoughts [not for the faint hearted]

Oh the life of singularity! It sure does has its ups and downs!

I somehow feel some fiery sensations deep inside that I keep supressing. Funny... I dont find any guy 'hot' or 'desirable' anymore. Not just any guy!

I havent had any particular brain stimulation and to think about the men I've been with... I got easily bored since it always ended in bed. What a bore!

Not until now... I'm having the time of my life! [My thoughts slowed down as I reminisce memories]

To be continued...

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So this is what it feels...

Once again, I decided to write after a long silence.

I love the feeling of independence... nothing can be compared to it. At this time Im 24 yrs old and its been hard for me.

What do I want? You see, I'm not simple minded. I could have gottejn married or worse. life might not be good but I struggle to be better at it. I have done. so many wrong things in my life that at this stage I'm most careful.

I want a stable job that i can enjoy for the rest of my life and I know I have to work hard for it and im not even certain if Im doing it  right. Im also very scared to fall in love because i now find it pointless because why would I even try to put myself out there and risk getting hurt again and again and again... I've already had so much of a heartache to even think about it. It seems easy for some to put themselves out there but I cant risk anything now because this time I might lose my own self amongst everything else. I dont feel confident like I used to... but i know I'm pretty from within. Dont get me wrong but I find this one guy really attractive inside and out. He has a heart of gold. Usually men I've been with only stresses me out and this guy isnt even my boyfriend and I have the best of times with him. A very good friend, definitely an awesome lover [he doesnt know this]. He just doesnt like me in 'that' sense but its okay because its easier to not have any obligations. I dont even feel sexually inclined anymore its frustrating sometimes but I manage.... my boyfriends before have given me experiences in that sense to last me a lifetime of celibacy! Truth is I'm very scared to entrust my life in someone. I'm the last living specie of genetic abnormalities in regards to being the only offspring of my loved parents. I only get really annoyed when men starts to take notice... I dont feel worthy of such attention. I rarely have to look pleasant and although if i would drop to 110 lbs I'd have my stalkers again. No thank you.... Crazy exs are enough, sick relatives and other bullcrap I have to deal with. A job that has benefits.Thats the only thing I think about now besides Mr Squid. I cry most nights because my capabilites isnt being honed and developed as it should be... I dont want a guy to take care of me, I want him to see me as an equal ... until then I will remain single, celibate and strong. It sure stinks!

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