Wow I dont feel good but I'm pacified.

Good morning!

Yesterday I was disappointed since this guy pissed me off badly. 'Hey, when was the last time you had sex?' And i was caught off guard. I answered him 'Not for a long time. Why such question?' Guy: 'I wonder if we could be buddies in that sector.' After that, memories from exes flooded my brain... I've had the best and the worst memories of my sexual encounters with 5 men, in my entire life. And I know deeply that the relationship went from bliss to fucked up because it was only based in sex. No common ground and I felt like shit!

These guys would brag how wonderful it is and so on but all along, emotionally I was Bored! I havent been sexually excited for so long anymore... Except my last encounter with Big, it felt really good but since then I just shrugged the thought out of my mind.

I'm definitely not comfortable in my own skin anymore.

If a guy wants me around for a short period of time to satisfy his sexual frustrations, really? Fuck you! Even if you're hot or whatnot.

People might say I should be flattered but I'm not. I know my capabilities in bed! I just need more than that.... not a good fuck. Been there, done that. Even in the best shape of my young life. May it be 9 inches or 12.

The truth is, this platonic relationship I have with Big is the most fulfilling, ever. I could play with him and talk to him or just be as quiet as I want to be and there's no questions asked!

I have been with an engineer, a halliburton douche, a handsome liar who owns a strip club and a bar, a cop and a fuckin redneck! and even two soldiers i saw for a one time deal and hid from....

So what do you want? The only thing that's keeping me from losing all the weight are men... with all the image of a petite woman with all those curves and shit.

I've been lied to, cheated, lead on, belittled, betrayed, used; just to name some... All the while having some back bone to cushion my fall.

All want is for someone to enjoy my day with... talk to... laugh a lot and play around with. Is that too much to ask? Without the sexual pressure... may it come naturally or why not wait for me to be all hot and bothered and jump a guy instead? Atleast I could deal with rejection a lot better.


I'm very much built differently... it gets frustrating but I'm okay with it because I don't want to have kids, get pregnant, get fatter. I'm simply not built to nurture a child or have a family!

It might be fun but I never want someone's 'seed' planted on me. I'm not that type...

Future boyfriend, I hope when you read this or stumble upon this... that you'd know I don't want kids, get married and be a housewife. If you like me... or more, I hope you understand I've been through a lot. I also don't want to get married so if you do, you're probably better off with someone else.

We could be loyal to each other, have fun without the ring and the fuss. You stay at your own place, i stay in mine... You still have your freedom maybe to watch football with me at the bars or some of your guy friends and not worry about me getting mad at you because i won't. Or me asking you, 'why are you not home yet?' 'Where are you?' Im not needy because I would let you have your fun just hope you let me have mine too!

I only ask for you to be honest and true. If you're with me, you'd know i'm fun! I don't cause drama... I usually stay quiet. But my laugh could be really annoying! I like cars, motorbikes, cake, ice cream and planes.

I like being out and about... i like learning too! If you're cool with all these then we would get along!

I take care of my bills and you take care of yours.. I dont want your money. Im not that type! You could buy your gadgets and all those stuff cause you dont have to provide for me.

But I pray you can appreciate my efforts...

Its like, I can still stay single provide for myself, get a better job and keep pushing myself. And you dont have to worry about me cause I can take care of myself.

Later on, you can thank my mom for raising me like this... because I think it's convenient for us both. :-)

Ps: I'm not sarcastic and lying about this.

Sincerely,
C.A.E

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