Rough Night

Dear sucky life,

Here I go again asking myself 'what am i fucking doing here?' 'Am i going to break apart soon? Eventually?' Four years and I havent friggin' learned my lesson.

What can I do with my brain? Its going to waste... what should i do with my youth? Ive exhausted it! I am no longer attracted to men. I despise how I feel.

I know im very strong to have survived this long.... I must have a purpose for having survived three possible deaths!

Maybe I need to get laid and see how it feels, just maybe! Ive lost my urges as if it went downhill.

If just IF i could call...one former lover. See if i could have multiple orgasms again... 'oh just remind me how to be wild and free again!' Am I just sexually frustrated but dont want to do anything about it!? Eww. An ex is an ex, which means a toy that has been given away for a poor kid to use!

Oh Im tired of dating all the boy's usual lies. I hate how I can study people and know what theyre up to!

I dont even get excited anymore if I think about this one ex who rocked my world. 'How does that feel?' Seriously... I get turned off easily when men shows off their sexual side first. Take me to their house or suggest a hotel. Fuck fuck fuck. Fucking gets old and boring...

To think of it... I cant think of a guy who thoroughly pleased me in bed. Why do I even have to try?! Ive been deprived long enough...

Well lets see, I have been raped as a child... Ive had encounters at a young age... met a guy who wanted to make me a housewife [he was a petroleum engineer and a pilot] so i said, fuck you i am not going to be a domestic help. Then another blonde dude who turned out to be a real bad dude [no luck] Last bf turned out to have fucked his sister and 16 yr olds and the entire colony of portsmouth. Jesus christ!

Oh shit, and also that soldier I saw twice for shits and giggles. THAT i overly enjoyed cause i never knew his name or saw him again after fucking out in the forest, movie house and his truck. I decided to never see him again though...

Its been a couple of months now... my self esteem low. Sigh!

I already expect to be cheated on, lied to, manipulated... I let them wish is sad...

So women have been telling me theyve been raped as a child and they blame their slutiness cause of that. Ive only been with 5 men.... two of which cheated on me so i cheated back.

Now its different. I dont feel like fucking anyone anymore... waste of my frigging effort!

I never in my life have been appreciated for my efforts. Even if its giving good head.

To those people I know reading this.... Ive been to hell and back. My mistakes are mine to correct and you cant judge me for this. Id rather laugh my ass off than to feel sorry for myself.

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