So this is what it feels...

Once again, I decided to write after a long silence.

I love the feeling of independence... nothing can be compared to it. At this time Im 24 yrs old and its been hard for me.

What do I want? You see, I'm not simple minded. I could have gottejn married or worse. life might not be good but I struggle to be better at it. I have done. so many wrong things in my life that at this stage I'm most careful.

I want a stable job that i can enjoy for the rest of my life and I know I have to work hard for it and im not even certain if Im doing it  right. Im also very scared to fall in love because i now find it pointless because why would I even try to put myself out there and risk getting hurt again and again and again... I've already had so much of a heartache to even think about it. It seems easy for some to put themselves out there but I cant risk anything now because this time I might lose my own self amongst everything else. I dont feel confident like I used to... but i know I'm pretty from within. Dont get me wrong but I find this one guy really attractive inside and out. He has a heart of gold. Usually men I've been with only stresses me out and this guy isnt even my boyfriend and I have the best of times with him. A very good friend, definitely an awesome lover [he doesnt know this]. He just doesnt like me in 'that' sense but its okay because its easier to not have any obligations. I dont even feel sexually inclined anymore its frustrating sometimes but I manage.... my boyfriends before have given me experiences in that sense to last me a lifetime of celibacy! Truth is I'm very scared to entrust my life in someone. I'm the last living specie of genetic abnormalities in regards to being the only offspring of my loved parents. I only get really annoyed when men starts to take notice... I dont feel worthy of such attention. I rarely have to look pleasant and although if i would drop to 110 lbs I'd have my stalkers again. No thank you.... Crazy exs are enough, sick relatives and other bullcrap I have to deal with. A job that has benefits.Thats the only thing I think about now besides Mr Squid. I cry most nights because my capabilites isnt being honed and developed as it should be... I dont want a guy to take care of me, I want him to see me as an equal ... until then I will remain single, celibate and strong. It sure stinks!

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